The Prime Minister - Lord Cupid

Lord Palmerston is one of its most colourful politicians during the Victorian era. He goes on to eventually rise to its pinnacle by becoming Prime Minister. To say he has a lively time would be no exaggeration. During his time many of his contemporaries consider him to be a notorious womaniser. The Times newspaper playfully nicknames him Lord Cupid (based on his youthful, tall and handsome looks).

This reputation is well earnt. Early on in his career it is alleged that he is so desperate to join the exclusive London club called the Almack’s that he allegedly uses his seduction skills to seduce three of the seven lady patronesses who have a final veto on his admittance (Lady Jersey, Her Serene Highness Dorothea von Lieven and Emily Lamb later known as Lady Cowper) and thereby secure his admittance into the club. 

In 1810 he falls in love with Emily, Lady Cowper, a noted Whig hostess and sister of Lord Melbourne. The fact that she is already married does not bother him one bit. He is not in the least bit concerned either by how this might complicate his political relations with Lord Melbourne much to the brother’s evident distaste. Eventually they do settle down together in 1839 but not before her brother memorably describes her as ‘a devoted mother and excellent wife – but not chaste’.

Even married life has little influence on his notorious womanizing. An appalling example of Palmerston’s behaviour is the instance when he supposedly offended Queen Victoria in 1839 whilst a guest at Windsor Castle. During an evening meal he takes a fancy to a gorgeous woman called Mrs Brand and later that night charges into her room and forces himself onto her. She however resists. The next day he is asked to explain his behaviour himself and can only offer the desultory excuse that he has somehow mistakenly gone into the wrong room. His actual intention he states had been to find another woman who just so happens to also not be his wife!

The most infamous episode in his love life surprisingly happens when Palmerston is seventy nine years old, his good looks have faded and all he is left with are some grey whiskers and wooden teeth. Perhaps none would believe it had he not had a reputation for good health well into old age. The Radical politician, George Jacob Holyoake notes how ‘shortly before his death when he was more than 80, I watched him crossing Palace yard, one summer evening, when the House was up early. Cabs were running wildly, but he dodged them with agility, and went on foot to Cambridge House, in Piccadilly, where he resided’.

The particular episode that brings him into the spotlight is a bitter divorce case in 1863 between Mr and Mrs Kane. Rather extraordinarily he is thrust into this acrimonious situation when he is accused of adultery with a Mrs Margaret Kane who names him as a contributory factor in the break up of her marriage to the Irish journalist, Timothy Joseph O’Kane. She goes on to make the scandalous allegation that she has met Palmerston at the House of Commons and the then Prime Minister has had carnal relations with her. To make matters worse her husband sues him for £20,000 damages.  

Palmerston’s Lawyer, Nicholl thinks the case against his client is weak but this is scant consolation for Palmerston who can not stop ruminating about what might happen. For the newspapers it is a field day and one memorably puns that ‘She was certainly Kane but was he Abel?’

The truth though is more prosaic. It turns out that the whole affair has been made up in an effort to blackmail Lord Palmerston. It is not even clear if a marriage exists so Palmerston obtains an order in chambers that requires O’Kane to prove that the marriage is actually valid. It is this factor that causes the case to collapse.

The public’s view of Lord Palmerston is actually undimmed and many decide that contrary to one’s expectation they actually rather like their amorous Prime Minister even more. His great political rivals, Derby and Disraeli are disgusted and suggest he has cooked up the whole event to get support for himself. As far as the cynic Disraeli is concerned he despairs that “if the English learn that Palmerston, at the age of eighty, still has his affairs, they’ll make him Dictator” and so it is that he manages to stay in office until 1865 when he dies aged eighty one.

 

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The ghastly death of William the Conqueror

 William the Conqueror died like he lived, violently and without pity. It was an attitude that served him well as combined with his military prowess and strong sense of discipline he was a formidable foe. If he hadn’t there is little doubt he would not have lived long. Even as a young boy he had to use his wits to survive numerous assassination attempts. Naturally these seminal events in his life forged him into an intolerant, violent man.

 For instance as a young man his army laid siege to a castle and the foolhardy defenders decide it will be amusing to hit skins and leather hides. This is a taunt against William for being the bastard son of a tanner. They even scream abuse at him by calling him the cruel nickname ‘William the Bastard’. This greatly infuriates William. When he does succeed in ending the siege he takes several of the men as prisoners, cuts them to pieces and lets them hang over the walls as a reminder to all not to anger him. Little changes in his character when he is middle aged. During the 1070’s an open rebellion breaks out in the north of England so he lays waste to much of this region by killing everyone and demolishing all of the homes.

 One enemy he can not defeat is the ravages of old age. Perhaps then it is fitting that what happens to him during the 1087 siege of Mantes in France is as violent as the man himself. The events preceding and leading up to the siege of Mantes offer us a good insight into William’s character and influence upon others. At some point he falls out with his eldest son, Robert and accordingly arranges for another of his sons, William Rufus, to inherit the English throne for when he eventually dies. Naturally enough Robert is not happy with this and King Philip of France suggests they band together and take on William.

 For Philip it is a great opportunity to make mischief and with this in mind he taunts William by suggesting he is now so obese that ‘The King of England keeps his bed like a woman after she has had a baby’. William is not the kind of man to turn the other cheek and retaliates by asking his messenger to ‘tell Philip that when I go to Mass after the confinement, I’ll make him an offering of 100,000 candles’.

 A month later, true to his word, William is once again on the warpath. He surrounds Mantes, a city the King of France holds and decides to wreck his revenge by burning down the town. However things go terribly wrong when his horse manages to step on some burning embers, raise its front legs suddenly in the air, shudders violently and subsequently tosses William off his horse.

 Due to William being obese when he falls against the saddle pommel it crushes his abdomen and instantly ruptures his internal organs. He is taken to a mall lodge outside the city where his condition worsens as his stomach pain increases. Shortly after he dies in agony.

 Eventually his burial arrangements are arranged but his misfortune now manages to descend into farce. The first problem to emerge is the lack of nobles present to dignify his burial. This occurs because they decide it will be wise to leave for home so as to protect their possessions from rival attacks. The upshot of this is that only their retainers are left in charge of his body. Temptation overtakes them and according to the chronicler Orderic they "seized the arms, vessels, clothing, linen, and all the royal furnishings, and hurried away leaving the king's body almost naked on the floor of the house."

 Eventually it is agreed upon to take his body to Caen and bury it in the Church of St. Stephen. However with all the royal dependents having left there is no one to make preparations. It is left to an ordinary knight to make the funeral arrangements and have the body conveyed down the Seine and then overland to Caen. There, as the abbot and his monks come to meet his funeral cortege, a fire breaks out, destroying the majority of the town. Everyone but the monks rush out to deal with the fire leaving just them to complete the service.

 To begin with William is eulogized before the assembled bishops and abbots of Normandy, and a request made that, if ever he has done wrong, he is to be forgiven. Then in a turn for the bizarre a man called Ascelin appears all of a sudden and loudly bellows that the church has been built on land forcibly acquired from his father whilst William was duke. "Therefore I lay claim to this land, and openly demand it, forbidding in God's name that the body of this robber be covered by earth that is mine or buried in my inheritance." This is a great embarrassment and the man is quickly compensated with sixty shillings for the place of burial so as to appease him by William’s son, Henry.

 However it is the grotesque second event for which his burial will be remembered. When the late King is lowered into a specially made sarcophagus it is found to be not big enough for him due to his size. The monks present decide in desperation that the way forward is to try to force his body into the coffin but only succeed in tearing the corpse open and spilling the rotting internal organs out. The smell from his rotting body is incredibly strong. Even the frankincense and spices of the censers is not enough to mask the smell, and the rites are hurriedly concluded. The appalling smell itself remains for many days, much to the discomfort of the monks.

 The Anglo-Saxon Chronicle provides a scathing epitaph for him. "He who was earlier a powerful king, and lord of many a land, he had nothing of any land but a seven-foot measure; and he who was at times clothed with gold and with jewels, he lay then covered over with earth."

 If you think this was bad spare a moment to consider the burial of King Henry VIII in 1547. By this time he has ballooned to the point where he may have weighed anywhere from 25 – 30 stone in weight. As a consequence it takes sixteen powerful Yeomen of the Guard to carry his lead coffin into the funeral service at the Bridgettine monastery at Windsor. Even for these men though it is just too much and unfortunately they drop his coffin whereupon it cracks open filling the chapel with a very unpleasant odour. Soon after further embarrassment is caused as dogs take it upon themselves to lick up what remains of his decaying internal organs.

For many more stories just like this come and read 'Secret English History' - and learn about the greatest English history stories you have never heard of. 

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