Monday, 29 June 2015

The Real James Bond, Dalziel-Job and his adventure in Wartime Norway, 1940, Part 1

Dalziel-Job may be the best candidate for inspiring the fictional James Bond spy. Every war brings out brave characters and World War Two is no exception. What many people do not know is that the inspiration for James Bond, the spy created by Ian Fleming was based on real people that he met during that conflict. One of the more exciting and likely sources for Ian Fleming’s iconic character is Patrick Dalziel – Job. Indeed it is fair to say that his adventures during the Second World War are every bit as exciting and dangerous as his fictional counter part.

Born in Scotland he travels widely during his youth including spending two years in Norway from 1937 to 1939. He also happens to be the son of a distinguished army officer who dies in the Battle of the Somme in 1916. As a result of these formative experiences he develops a tough, independent, rugged character with a very firm resolve.

All of this proves to be good use when war breaks out. Right away he joins the Royal Naval Volunteer Reserve. Soon he is serving as Navigating Officer on a Fleet Tug operating from Scapa Flow in Norway from January to March 1940 and then from April until June as part of the Allied North-West Expeditionary Force.

This force is in Norway because for the Allies and the Nazis it is seen as being of great strategic value. Most notably it has considerable mineral resources. In addition control of Norway’s extensive coastline is very important in the battle for control of the North Sea and easing the passage of German warships and submarines into the Atlantic. Lastly control of Norway also aids Germany’s ability to import iron ore from Sweden. In fact at the start of the war, Germany imported about 10 million tons of iron ore from Sweden, much of it through Narvik during the cold winter months.

Both sides desperately wanted Norway but prevarication on the part of the British means that just as the Allied forces are about to invade the Germans rush ahead and get there before them.

This is the grave situation Dalziel-Job thrusts himself into and yet it is in this role that his talent is first displayed as time and time again he shows great guile, daring and determination to succeed against all odds. The first task he is involved with is helping to organise the landing of the Allied North-West Expeditionary Force in Norway, using mainly small local craft.

He quickly proved his worth. Not a single life is lost despite German bombing throughout. After this task is completed, Dalzel-Job is congratulated by "Ginger" Boyle (the 12th Earl of Cork and Orrery), Flag Officer Norway, with the words: "You are a lad after my own heart." For the next task Dalziel-Job helps out at the port of Narvik when it comes under attack from the Germans.

This is a big responsibility. Many civilians live there. Narvik also holds  great strategic value. Whilst nine million tons of iron ore comes from north Sweden via the port of Luleå during the winter months it freezes over whilst the Norwegian port of Narvik does not. Therefore control of Narvik, in the north of Norway, will ensure continuous transportation of iron ore into Germany.

If you liked that story then you will also enjoy reading about

The Real James Bond, Dalziel-Job and his adventures in Wartime Norway, 1940, Part 2






Saturday, 6 June 2015

Henry VIII and his infamous Festival of the Cloth of Gold Meeting in 1520

King Henry VIII’s Festival of Cloth of Gold is a hugely lavish affair in 1520. His ego is rather large even when he is a young King so much so that when he comes up against the proud King of France, Francis I during the magnificent Festival of Cloth it is inevitable that tensions will mount. What no one can predict is how far they will go to prove who is greater.

To understand the reasons for the clash it is important to understand their characters. Both want to make a favourable impression on their own nation and hence their prestige. For instance we know that Francis I is the first French king to insist on being called ‘Your Majesty’. To this end each becomes a patron of the burgeoning Renaissance movement and Francis in particular is famous for building a large art collection we can now see in the Louvre collection and for using his influence to persuade Leonardo da Vinci to live in France. At the same time they both want to be seen as heroic fighters and in Henry’s case he wants to be thought of as a ‘Medieval Warrior King’ in the same mould as legendary Henry V. It is for these reasons that a clash becomes inevitable. 

The origins of their enmity toward one another begin with the 1518 treaty between England and France. Following this agreement both Kings decide that a special festival will be a good way to tighten their diplomatic ties still further whilst also being an excuse to flaunt their renaissance style.

A meeting place is arranged at the very edge of Calais. The site is carefully chosen as England still has a claim to France and holds land near to Calais.  At the same time to sooth both Kings’ egos everything is arranged to provide equality between the two sides. For instance the valley where the first meeting takes place is also carefully chosen and landscaped to provide areas of equal elevation for the two national parties. Such a grand event takes meticulous planning so it is only to be expected that it is planned and executed by Cardinal Thomas Wolsey, Henry VIII’s leading advisor.

Whilst talking of equality in practice right from the start both Kings seek to out do the other with incredible displays of ostentatiousness that have never been seen before. King Henry pitches his marque using an elaborate cloth of gold. Built beside the Guides castle for the English this temporary palace covers an area of nearly 10,000 square meters for the reception of the English king. The palace itself is in four blocks with a central courtyard; each side is about 300 feet long. The only solid part is the brick base about 8 feet high. Above the brickwork, stand the 30-foot high walls made of cloth or canvas on timber frames that are painted to look like stone or brick. The slanting roof itself are made of oiled cloth painted to give the colour of lead and the illusion of slates. Contemporaries comment especially on the huge expanse of glass, which makes visitors feel they are in the open air. It is decorated in the most sumptuous fashion and is furnished with a profusion of golden ornaments. Red wine flows from the two fountains outside. Pavilions are set up made with cloth of gold (real filaments of gold sewn with silk to make the fabric) The chapel alone is served by 35 priests. As if that is not enough Henry VIII has 500 horsemen and 3,000 foot soldiers accompany him into the valley of the Golden Dale. Not to be outdone France’s King, Francis I uses a similar number for himself.

Some idea of the size of Henry's following may be gathered from the fact that in one month 2200 sheep and other viands (exquisite dishes) in a similar proportion are consumed. In the fields beyond the castle another 2800 tents are also erected for less distinguished visitors and the whole panorama is littered with conspicuous wealth. Ladies and knights try to demonstrate their bearing through the use of their ornate dress and revive the mythological age of chivalry.

King Henry arrives at his headquarters at Guînes with his wife Catherine of Aragon on 4 June 1520 whilst his counterpart Francis take up his residence at Ardres. Cardinal Wolsey then visits the French king using his own long train to arrange a meeting between the two monarchs at the Val d'Or, a spot midway between the two places on the 7th.

Their first meeting is a portent of things to come. When the two Kings meet declarations are made by the heralds and officers-of-arms of both parties. Each one declares that the 7,000 soldiers should stand absolutely still on either side of the valley. The matter is treated so serious that the soldiers are ordered to stand completely still whilst the two kings ride down the valley or they will suffer the pain of death.

When finally they reach the bottom of the valley they embrace each other in great friendship and then, dismounting, embrace each other again, taking off their hats. Henry’s sword is held, unsheathed, by the Marquess of Dorset whilst the Duc de Bourbon retains the French king’s sword.

After this remarkable meeting a series of tournaments and banquets take place soon after. Incredibly both kings take part in the tournaments themselves. Whilst at the banquets the kings entertain each other's queens. For instance when Francis I finishes his dinner he spends some time dancing in the banqueting hall. Before he starts to dance, the French king goes from one end of the room to the other, carrying his hat in his hand and kissing all the ladies on both sides – except for four or five who are too old and ugly. He then returns to the Queen and speaks with her for a while before spending the rest of the day dancing.

At the same time there are many other entertainments included archery displays and wrestling between French Breton and English wrestlers. All the time the Kings seek every opportunity to show off. A classic example takes place on Saturday 17 June when both kings enter the field. King Henry’s armour-skirt and horse-trapper are decorated with an incredible 2,000 ounces of gold and 1,100 huge pearls.

Not to be out done the French king seeks to display his chivalrous might and battles with Earl of Devonshire in a tournament joust. They both charge at each other. The Earl himself is particularly well adorned. He appears that day wearing cloth of gold, tissue-cloth and cloth of silver, all elaborately embroidered, with his retinue wearing the exact same uniform. Neither is keen to act cowardly and so they race head on and when they meet they strike so aggressively their lances break. In all they charge each other eight times, during which the French king breaks three lances while the earl breaks two lances and the French king’s nose.

The climax comes when Henry asks for a wrestling session after he has  entered the French Kings tent. To refuse this offer will appear weak and yet the French King knows in a contest of strength he stands little chance against the 6 foot 3 inch tall Henry. Rather than fight Henry on his own terms Philip decides it will be best to surprise him with sly tactics. When Henry VIII pushes with all his considerable might, Francis unexpectedly gives way making Henry lose some of his balance. He then follows this up with a sneeky leg trip manoeuvre that topples Henry and results in Francis victory. According to one French account following Henry’s loss the mood sours and soon after the event finishes. 

So what became of this meeting from June 7th to June 24th, 1520. Well for all its flaunting very little. It nearly bankrupts the treasuries of both France and England and yet no treaties are signed. Indeed only a few weeks later Henry signs a treaty of alliance with the French King’s rival, the Holy Roman Emperor, Charles V and just two years later England is back at war with France. The event is however notable for one particular event that is to have seismic impact on the English nation for it is at this the venue that King Henry VIII meets Anne Boleyn, his future wife and the immediate cause of the religious upheaval known as the Reformation.

Sadly for the Tudors and fortunately for us history fans Henry VIII is not the only vain Tudor. His daughter Elizabeth I is even worse and if you want to find out more about her then check out my History Book and also read more about him at 

How Henry VIII Helped the Astronauts Land on the Moon, in 1969

More stories like this can be found in my Book 'Secret English Histories' here


https://www.amazon.co.uk/Secret-English-History-Raucous-escapades/dp/1072886669







Saturday, 23 May 2015

Britain's Worst Ever Spy Scandal - the Cambridge Spy Ring

The infamous Cambridge Spy Ring is one of the biggest scandals to emerge in post war Britain. Unlike the Babington Spy Plot in 1586 it did not end well either.

It first occurs when Guy Burgess and Donald Maclean leave for Russia. The traitors leave many secrets to the Soviet State under Stalin allowing them to discover and execute secret British under cover agents in Russia.

Great interest is aroused by a sense of betrayal and anger at these traitors. Much confusion remains as to who these people are. In an atmosphere of outright suspicion a growing feeling emerges that a ‘Third Man’ must have been involved in tipping off Guy Burgess and Donald Maclean that they were under suspicion. Why else would they attempt an escape?

Something less understood is just how did the two men escape? Well, we now know how they did it and it reveals something about the British secret service at that time. In May 1951 Guy Burgess and Donald Maclean realise they have to leave the country quick or risk being arrested. When Burgess gets to Southampton and tries to board a ferry to France he is recognised by the ferry officer who promptly passes on this information to the MI5 headquarters and soon the intelligence services are in pursuit.

A senior intelligence official goes home to collect his passport so he can take a plane to France and intercept the two men at St Malo where they are meant to be docking. He duly does this and then arrives at the London airport only to discover that his passport is out of date and so there is nothing he can do but abandon the task and allow the defectors to escape.

As a consequence Burgess and Maclean escape to Moscow and Phiby joins them in 12 years. As for the senior intelligence official, White, he is severely reprimanded and yet remarkably goes on to a leading role in  MI5 and later still receives a knighthood.

Intriguingly an alternative interpretation also exists that says actually no mistake was made and that actually White deliberately allowed the spies to escape as he was a double agent himself. According to this theory it is improbable that he could have been so negligent. The spies are allowed to escape to avoid the embarrassment of arresting them and then the public being aware of the spying establishment’s mistakes. There is good evidence for this view. The spymasters, Hollis and White did not tail Maclean over the weekend he left despite him being a suspect at that time. The official line is that the intelligence services are not aware of his escape until Monday when he does not turn up for work.

Even after the escape is apparent the intelligence service still do not bother conducting a full investigation. On 30th May, five days after the defection, Mrs Maclean is interviewed but her home is not searched. This is once again an unusual omission given the gravity of the situation. Perhaps the most frightening thought is that MI5 did not discover who all the traitors were and that some of those who escaped got to the top of the profession and sold the nation’s secrets to the Russians.

If you like this story then you should also read 

The Babington Plot against Queen Elizabeth, 1586






Wednesday, 6 May 2015

Lambert Simnel's Rebellion against King Henry VII, 1487

King Henry VII’s strangest threat during his reign comes from Lambert Simnel.

The Battle of Bosworth was supposed to signal the end of the War of the Roses and the beginning of strong and stable rule across England. However King Henry VII’s problem post the Battle of Bosworth is that he still has many rivals. They feel he has a weak claim to power. In fact all told there are at least 29 others who can legitimately state their claim is better than his by virtue of their ancestry

A weak man would have collapsed under all the stresses and strains but according to one contemporary chronicler 'His body was slender but well built and strong; his height above the average. His appearance was remarkably attractive and his face was cheerful especially when speaking; his eyes were small and blue; his teeth few, poor and blackish; his hair was thin and grey; his complexion pale'.

What makes their threats so potent is that not only do they have the intent to overthrow but they also have access to large numbers of soldiers who can ensure they triumph. One major threat for Henry VII comes early on from one of the ‘Princes in the Tower’. This is significant as they are heirs to the throne. During the reign of King Richard III they had been restricted to living in the Tower of London and have mysteriously vanished. Now all of a sudden one of them reappears. Claiming to be a son of the recent King Edward IV he has far greater legitimate right to the throne. He also happens to bear a strong resemblance to the boy so his claim has added plausibility.

Many see the Princes as the rightful claimants to the throne. However this boy is in fact none other than a ten year old called Lambert Simnel, a pawn being used by others to reassert the rival House of York’s claim to the throne over King Henry VII’s House of Tudor. Since Henry VII has only had a brief period in office his regime is not yet stable enough to stop this threat in its tracks right away. This allows the situation to rapidly degenerate into one that threatens his very right to be on the throne.

The instigator who raises all of this commotion is the 28 year old Richard Symonds, a priest from Oxford. An ambitious man, he secretly pines for the top ecclesiastical position of the Archbishop of Canterbury. One of his pupils happens to be Lambert Simnel. Symonds, a Yorkist, first decides to pass off Simnel as Richard of York, the younger of the two boys but then changes his mind and passes him off as Edward Plantagenet, the Earl of Warwick. This is another audacious move as the Earl is also a young boy and had been the heir to King Richard’s throne when Richard was still alive. To make the story seem more plausible his supporters say he somehow managed to navigate an escape from the Tower of London where he had been held under the orders of King Henry VII.

The next step for Symonds is to take Simnel to Ireland where it is hoped that a Yorkist powerbase can develop and act as a springboard to raise revolt across England. Here he is joined by the Earl of Lincoln (the closest heir to King Richard III and a man with his own ambitions to usurp power for himself) and Viscount Lovel who has earlier fled to Flanders to join his Aunt, Margaret of Burgundy.

Margaret of Burgundy plays a key role in fermenting trouble for Henry VII. She is the daughter of King Edward IV and niece of Richard III and so she readily blames King Henry VII for slaying her brother in 1485 at the Battle of Bosworth. We know about her reputation as contemporary chroniclers eager to please the King are vociferous in their condemnation of her. Polydore Virgil, a Tudor historian writes that Margaret ‘pursued Henry with insatiable hatred and with fiery wrath never desisted from employing every scheme which might harm him as a representative of the hostile faction’. Edward Hall goes a step further and states rather graphically that she is ‘lyke a dogge revertynge to her olde vomyte’. Famously King Henry VII describes her as a ‘diabolical duchess’.

It was also here in Ireland that the Lord Lieutenant, the Earl of Kildare, amongst other nobles proclaim Simnel as King Edward VI at Christ Church Cathedral, Dublin on 24th May 1487. For de la Pole (the Earl of Lincoln) this is a chance for himself to assert power as even though he is a supporter of Richard III his real reason for allegiance is his desire to become a Protector of England for Edward VI. As the eldest son of Elizabeth (the sister of Edward IV) by the Duke of Suffolk he has his own claim to the throne. With power safely in his own hands his hope is to rid himself of the ‘King’ at a later date and become ruler of all of England for himself.

This development catches Henry VII by surprise as John de la Pole is one of his councillors at the time when the plot to usurp begins and so this amounts to a great act of betrayal. Even as late as 2 February 1487 after the plot has emerged into the open the Earl of Lincoln is still attending council meetings with the King at Sheen. This act of treachery by such a close advisor helps explain why Henry is such a suspicious and cautious man. On this occasion he has the right attitude as events take an even worse turn for Henry VII when further forces begin to gather against him due to Margaret of York, the Duchess of Burgundy openly pledging her allegiance to the new ‘King’. Most importantly she sends a force of 2000 expert German mercenaries to Ireland to join the existing forces. This small army itself also happens to be commanded by Martin Schwarz – an able military leader.

A clear sign of the danger Henry VII is in comes from the senior nobility who now start to waver in their support for him. If his critics and enemies hope that Henry is all washed up they have under estimated the tactical astuteness of him and his determination to maintain his grip on power. Indeed an Italian scholar called Virgil at one time describes him as being ‘shrewd and prudent so that no one dared to get the better of him through deceit and guile’.

His first step is to march the real Earl of Warwick out of his prison and parade him through the streets of London. In one swift stroke he manages to destroy the credentials of Simnel as a genuine nobleman and heir to the throne of England. Henry then makes a bold rather unconventional decision. He is unsure how many nobles are conspiring against him and so he decides to make the conciliatory gesture of pardoning known rebels such as Thomas Broughton. His hope is to limit the extent of the rebellion by appearing fair and reasonable. It is a risky strategy but it mainly works.

All that is left now is to tackle the Earl of Lincoln and his army. Since he has arrived on the 4th June 1487, Lincoln has been seeking support across Lancashire, the Pennines in the north of England and then toward the south. However, Lincoln’s campaign now begins to falter. The locals are suspicious of the Irish soldiers who accompany Lincoln and so they refuse to rally to his cause. Many are also worn out by civil war that had gone on between the Yorkists and Lancastrians and seek to avoid trouble.

Finally on June 16th 1487 King Henry VII meets up with Lincoln just outside of Newark at East Stoke, Nottinghamshire in what became known as the Battle of Stoke Field. All the measures taken by King Henry earlier to limit the threat can be seen to have taken effect as he now has the upper hand. Whilst Lincoln’s army stands at 8,000 his opposite, King Henry has 12,000 men.

Battle commences and lasts for three hours in a closely fought encounter. At the beginning Henry’s forces disperse a shower of arrows on the Irish forces that inflicts massive casualties on them. However rather than be decimated the Irish decide to attack at full speed downhill right into the thick of the opposing 6,000 troops commanded by John de Vere, the Earl of Oxford. With the well trained German mercenaries on the side of Lincoln it is a very tight contest as each side tears into the other seeking any advantage possible. The fact that Oxford’s men hold firm is crucial as they manage to regroup and make use of their superior numbers. Lacking armour the Irish are also at a disadvantage as the skilled longbowmen employed by Henry can decimate the Yorkist forces with wave after wave of arrows. Eventually the Yorkist forces are obliged to slowly retreat. They ended up being pushed back beyond their starting point and then slaughtered at a bottleneck that becomes known as Red Gutter. The rebels do not lack courage and there is some evidence that rather than escape some of the German mercenaries alongside their Yorkist commanders decide to fight to the death. According to the contemporary chronicler, Jean Molinet the Irish troops end up ‘filled with arrows like hedgehogs’.

By the end of the conflict the rebel leaders Lincoln, Schwarz, Broughton (who had not accepted his pardon) and the leader of the Irish, Thomas Geraldine, are dead and the last remaining Yorkist leader, Lord Lovell has disappeared. In total over half of Lincoln’s force die.

With this decisive victory Henry is now back in a commanding position. To cement his position as King in the country on 25th of November his wife, Elizabeth and mother of his heir, is finally crowned Queen. He has the troublesome priest Richard Symonds arrested and sentenced to life in a bishop’s prison. What happens to Lambert Simnel though is much more surprising and again shows how canny Henry is. Rather than execute him and appear callous he takes a magnaminous approach and he gives him a humiliating position in the king’s kitchen as a scullion (washer of dishes) and turnspit (turning a spit beside a fireplace). Henry does this because he recognises that Lambert is not really to blame for what has happened and is merely a puppet. By graciously allowing him to live he is not only showing his generous spirit but also sending out a sign he is so confident he is not worried about allowing a threat to remain alive.

The story does not end here. In later life Simnel is given the post of King’s falconer in recognition of how well he has worked. However those nobles who have opposed Henry fair less well. Twenty eight lose their estates to Henry. This serves a dual purpose. It sends a clear message that anyone who betrays the king will be severely dealt with. 

Henry goes on to face many more threats during his reign but all who challenge him end up losing. No matter what they do he is able to out manoeuvre them and demonstrate what a canny King he really is. If an opportunity arises to gain his vengeance he takes it. A very good example occurs many years later when he meets the Earl of Kildare and some other Irish Lords. These are the same men who had fermented trouble for him in Ireland during the rebellion so Henry takes the chance to mock them with 'My masters of Ireland, you will crown apes at length'. Initially the Irish Lords have no idea what he is talking about so you can imagine their astonishment when it is then explained to them that the person who has brought them their wine is none other than their 'new King Lambarte Symenell’ who ‘brought them wine to drink, and drank to them all'.

Read 'Secret English History' and learn about the greatest English history stories you have never heard of. 


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Wednesday, 29 April 2015

The Notorious Babington Plot to assassinate Queen Elizabeth, 1586

The Babington plot in 1586 almost results in the assassination of Queen Elizabeth of England. Remarkably it is not unusual as Machiavellian political plots are as much a feature of medieval life as they are today. Queen Elizabeth I faces so many threats to her life that her advisors decide radical action is needed. In 1584 her Privy Council sign a "Bond of Association" stating that any one within the line of succession to the throne on whose behalf anyone plots against the queen, even if the claimant is ignorant of the plot, will be excluded from the line and executed. Hundreds of prominent Englishmen sign the Bond including her rival, the imprisoned Mary, Queen of Scots.

The following year, Parliament also passes the Act of Association, which demands the execution of anyone who benefits from the death of the Queen if a plot against her is uncovered. This makes the position of Mary much worse as now she can be executed for ascending to the throne of England irrespective of any involvement in any intrigue.

Such action is a reaction to the loathing that Catholics have for her. One day Queen Elizabeth is walking through Richmond Park and encounters a man who will later be a conspirator in the Babington plot to overthrow her. She happens to recognize him from a portrait shown to her by Walsingham so she approaches the man and says, “Am I not well guarded today, with no man near me who wears a sword at his side”. At this the man loses his nerve and flees. If indeed this actually happened then it amply illustrates just how precarious her regal position really was.

The most famous plot against the Queen is the Babington Plot. Its key figures are Queen Mary of Scots (a cousin of Elizabeth I) and her fellow conspirator Anthony Babington. They aim to overthrow Elizabeth I and make Mary the Queen of England. In the process they hope to restore Catholicism and rid the country of Protestantism.

Elizabeth though is well served by her chief advisors, Sir Francis Walsingham, Elizabeth I's Secretary of State and spymaster, together with William Cecil, Elizabeth's chief advisor. Together they create a formidable spy network. They foresee the obvious threat from Mary. As Walsingham writes to the Earl of Leicester ‘so long as that devilish woman lives neither her Majesty must make account to continue in quiet possession of her crown, nor her faithful servants assure themselves of safety of their lives.’

Entrapment is used. When Walsingham arrests a Catholic plotter called Gifford he manages to turn him into a double agent who encourages Mary to plot against Elizabeth. He also establishes a secret system of communication between Mary and Thomas Morgan, her chief cipher expert. This is achieved by using a brewer to hide messages in a water tight casing and sending them to Thomas Phelippes another double agent who is inside the prison with her and happens to be a cipher expert of Walsingham. 

Later, Babington hears of a plan from Charles Paget, another agent of Mary to overthrow Elizabeth and he decides to forward details of this plot to her. Phelippes deciphers all of this information, sends a translation to Walsingham and then passes the letter on to Mary.

Mary seals her fate when in one of her letters of correspondence she writes ‘I wold be glad to know the names and quelityes of the sixe gentlemen which are to accomplish the dessignement, for that it may be, I shall be able uppon knowledge of the parties to give you some further advise necessarye to be followed therein’. This statement is clear enough to ruin her prospects.

Queen Elizabeth’s advisors pounce on her and subsequently all of the Catholic conspirators are arrested, tried and executed. Queen Mary herself is put on trial at Fotheringhay Castle in Northamptonshire but denies any knowledge of the plot. However her correspondence proves otherwise and so Mary is sentenced to death. Elizabeth expresses her feelings by saying to Mary in a letter ‘You have planned in divers ways and manners to take my life and to ruin my kingdom”. Elizabeth reluctantly signs her cousin's death warrant and on 8 February 1587, in front of 300 witnesses, Mary, Queen of Scots, is executed.

If you liked that story there is a similar story that can be found at

The Cambridge Spy Ring Scandal, 1951





Sunday, 19 April 2015

Gerald Ratner and his Catastrophic 'Midas Touch' in 1991

Just one comment by Gerald Ratner wrecks his enormous company in 1991. This is surprising as if Thatcherism is epitomised by hard work, graft, determination and unbridled success then Gerald Ratner in the 1980’s is definitely its personification. A famous British businessman, he mixes with the British elite in business and politics and is known throughout the land for his jewellery company Ratners Group. He holds such a high profile even Margaret Thatcher occasionally invites him to lunch. Gerald glories in all his achievements and is happy to be rewarded and feted for them whilst still enjoying life to the full as an adventurer.

Unsurprisingly all this achievement goes to his head and gives him such an inflated sense of self-importance even Icarus would have seen him as arrogant. To be fair he isn’t the only one or the first to feel this way. Famously the home computer genius, Clive Sinclair tried to sell the C5, a small battery powered tricycle that was compared to the K9 robot dog in the BBC science fiction series called ‘Doctor Who’. It was so unpopular that he lost £8 million of his fortune.

On 23rd April 1991 his risky instinct tells him to liven up a high profile talk before the Institute of Directors with something edgy. His thinking is that if he gains applause early on then he will calm his nerves. His solution is to insert some risque jokes.

Initially he is hesitant so he asks his trusted accountant, Hussein for advice. Hussein recommends he goes ahead with them. At the rehearsal, the girl monitoring the autocue questions his use of the word “crap”. Moira, his wife also has doubts. “It's just not that sort of event,” she says. However by now Gerald can not be swayed. He recalls that just a week before he has managed to get away with using the word crap in front of Princess Anne so he will be fine. 

On the night itself he launches into a now notorious speech with the  following quips. ‘We also do cut-glass sherry decanters complete with six glasses on a silver-plated tray that your butler can serve your drinks on, all for £4.95. People say, "How can you sell this for such a low price?", I say, "because it's total crap".’ As if that is not insulting enough he digs his own grave by following by saying some of the earrings were "cheaper than an M&S prawn sandwich but probably wouldn't last as long".

There are no indicators at first of what is about to happen. His speech finishes and it looks like he has given another triumphant performance. His jokes are well received and he is given a standing ovation. However the first ominous signs that not all is not quite right soon begin. As he leaves, a journalist from the Daily Mirror runs after him. “Aren’t you making fun of your customers?” the journalist asks. “What are you talking about?” queries Ratner. “You knowingly sell your customers crap. Don’t you think that’s making fun of them?” goads the journalist. Gerald retorts “No I’m not. I was just making a joke and having a bit of fun.”

Ratner thinks this will be the end of the matter. Shortly after he arrives home his close friend, the advertising expert, Charles Saatchi calls. “There’s a fantastic piece in the Evening Standard,” he said. “There’s a good line about you calling some of your products crap. It works really well. You come across as a really great guy with a good sense of humour. It’s terrific PR.”

The next morning a cascade of bad news pours all over him in a deluge. When Gerald leaves his home and enters his car the driver hands him ‘The Sun’ and remains quiet. A shocking headline mocks him and calls his company “Crapners”. The Mirror’s front page is not much more sedate,  telling its readers that the businessman is dismissing them as “you 22 carat gold mugs”. The enormity of his disastrous aside hits him and Ratner freezes, numb with shock. In his own words "I had the all-time PR disaster. There's no way to deal with it. What I did was so ridiculous, you cannot make excuses."

Sympathy is in short supply even though his comments have been taken out of context. Anger and condemnation to say nothing of the taunting he receives is unrelenting for the next couple of weeks. Finally in desperation Gerald calls his nemesis, Kelvin MacKenzie, editor of populist tabloid ‘The Sun’.

Kelvin MacKenzie scents blood. Hurting others feelings matters not one jot to him as long as he gets the sales figures he wants. Many are offended by his attitude. “He gives it all that jack-the-lad, I'm-one-of the-blokes shit, but he's not. He comes from a middle-class family and talks absolute bollocks. He strikes me as a bully" complains Frank Warren.

Gerald pleads “could you stop doing this now. “It started off as a joke but it’s just not funny any more. My children are being called names and, quite frankly, I’m starting to lose my business, which means lots of people will lose their jobs.” Mackenzie is unrepentant. “What you failed to realise, Gerald, was the power of Ratners, what a huge brand it is and what a big story this is.” Begging, Ratner seeks sympathy with “Well, you’ve had your headlines, now I’d like to get my company back.” Kelvin sniffs opportunity and rubs it in by saying “Well, you should apologise then.” A crestfallen Ratner says “Okay, I’ll apologise” and Mackenzie finishes off with “I’ll send a journalist over.”

An hour later a journalist and photographer turn up. Further insult soon follows. Gerald is forced to grovel, hold a toy gun to his head and then make an apology. The next day The Sun runs an “exclusive” interview. Ratner is described as a “disgraced” fat cat and beside a photo of himself with the toy gun that takes up half a page.

The assault is unending. After the speech, the value of the Ratners' group plummets by around £500 million resulting in the near collapse of the firm. Gerald Ratner is left distraught. ‘Despite the fact that I didn’t kill anybody, I didn’t do anything illegal and I didn’t even say anything that I hadn’t said before, that speech caused me to lose my business, my reputation and my fortune’ he despairs. 

Gerald takes business failure very personally. His whole identity revolves around his business success. He goes on to lose his job, his chauffeurs, secretaries and accountants and all that had made him a proud man. A job he had once thought was for life was gone.

Later, others eclipse him during the 1990s for self-implosion. Famously, Nick Leeson manages to bring down Barings Bank. As a friend of his quips "I've heard of people writing a cheque that bounced, but you were the first to write a cheque and the bank bounced." None though has had quite so spectacular a fall as Gerald Ratner or been made to suffer so hard for one lapse of judgement.

Today, Ratner's speech is still famous in the corporate world as an example of the value of branding and image over quality. The story is not yet over for him though. He seems to be on his way back up. He sold his health and fitness club venture in Henley-on-Thames, Oxfordshire, for £3.7m in 2000 and has even ventured into jewellery once again with his own website. He calls it Gerald Online after his first choice of name Ratners Online was blocked by his old company even though they are the ones who had changed the company name away from Ratners to Signet. Let’s hope its not crap!







Friday, 10 April 2015

The Extraordinary Gunpowder Plot Aftermath in 1605

The events that follow the Gunpowder are equally enthralling. On the 5th November 1605, news spreads in the early hours of Guy Fawkes’ capture. The surviving plotters know the King’s men will soon be upon them so they ride their horses away from London all the way to the Midlands in twos and threes to avoid suspicion. The only exception is Tresham as he decides it will be better to remain in London.

At Dunchurch in Warwickshire the group gather and join another gang of followers gathered by Digby, ostensibly as a hunting party. All told they number around 60 people by the time they reach Holbeche House on the Staffordshire border in the evening hours of the 7th of November. Here they feel they will be safe as it is owned by the Littleton family who have been involved in many Catholic uprisings, as well as the Essex Rebellion.

Word spreads of this gathering and hopes rise that perhaps a Catholic uprising suggested by Catesby against King James I of England can indeed happen especially when they increase in number to around 100 men. That hope is dashed as people hear of the Gunpowder plot and fear a government bent on revenge. Numbers dwindle quickly and by the next day they are down to 40 people.

A glimmer of hope is rekindled by Guy Fawkes due to his defiant refusal to give up the names of his fellow conspirators. Even the King who was Guy’s intended victim is impressed. However fearing these other men might soon escape he orders Fawkes to be tortured on 6th November. Guy is subsequently put on rack and has his body stretched in such excruciating pain that his will is broken by 7th November and he confesses.

At the same time, John Popham, the Lord Chief Justice, raids the homes of every Catholic known to have suddenly left such as Ambrose Rookwood. He soon identifies Catesby, Rookwood, and the Wright and Wintour brothers as suspects and Francis Tresham is then arrested.

Back at Holbeach House, the gang become aware that an armed government force is preparing to attack them. They gather inside and ready themselves for battle, but not before sending Littleton and Thomas Wintour to seek help from a neighbouring Catholic relative. Alas for them he refuses. Hearing this, Robert Wintour and Stephen Littleton flee together whilst Digby leaves with a few servants.

Things then go from bad to worse when Robert Catesby tries to dry some gunpowder that have become damp in front of the fire. In an ironic twist of fate a stray spark causes an explosion which badly injured both him and John Wright. In fact one of them ends up blinded and unable to help in the forthcoming gun fight.

Just before midday on the 8th of November, the Sheriff of Worcester arrive with a posse of men and surrounds the house. After several attempts to make the conspirators surrender both sides settled on a gun battle. Later that day the government forces succeed in crashing into the house. In the ensuing battle Kit Wright, John Wright, Robert Catesby and Thomas Percy are shot dead whilst Thomas Wintour and Ambrose Rookwood are injured and captured. Digby is caught soon after.

There is no escape for anyone. The remaining known conspirators are caught (barring Robert Wintour and Stephen Littleton), imprisoned in Worcester jail, and transported to London to await trial. Four days after the siege at Holbeche, Francis Tresham is arrested in London and sent to the Tower of London. Two months later, Wintour and Littleton are captured at Hagley House. From there they are taken to the Tower of London whilst their houses are stripped bare for evidence of conspiracy.

 The government continues to rush head long forward as they fear Jesuit priests, led by Henry Garnet are the real masterminds behind the plot. For Robert Cecil, the government advisor, this is very important as a Jesuit conspiracy will justify the Government’s severe anti-Catholic legislation. Garnet is captured at Hindlip based on information supplied by Humphrey Littleton, who had been with the plotters on the 8th of November, and now tries to buy himself a pardon. It is an attempt doomed to failure as he gains no credit and is later executed for complicity in the Plot.


January 27th 1606 the trial of the eight surviving conspirators begins. None deny the charge of treason, and all were condemned to execution. In the meantime Francis Tresham has already died in prison from a suspicious urinary tract infection. Only two days later on the 29th Digby, Grant, Robert Wintour, and Bates are hung, drawn and quartered on January 29th at St. Paul's Churchyard, while Thomas Wintour, Robert Keyes, Guy Fawkes and Ambrose Rookwood suffer the same fate on  January 30th at the Old Palace Yard Westminster. 

The day is especially dramatic. Fawkes, though weakened by torture manages to cheat the executioners. By jumping from the gallows he breaks his neck and dies. In so doing he manages to avoid having his heart ripped out whilst he is alive. A co-conspirator, Robert Keyes, attempts the same trick, but unfortunately for him the rope breaks, so he is disembowelled while fully conscious. Those who die at Holbeche are also shown no respect. Their heads are removed to be displayed on pikes with Guy Fawkes’ skull famously hung on London Bridge.

The repression does not end there. Henry Garnet is later executed on 3 May 1606 at St Paul's. His crime was that of being the confessor of several members of the Gunpowder Plot, even though he opposed the plot. Many spectators think his sentence is too severe. During the execution many in the crowd cry  'hold, hold' to stop the hangman cutting down Garnet’s body and quartering him while he is still alive. Some even  pull the priest's legs to ensure a speedy death and prevent unnecessary suffering.

For the government this is all necessary as it is afraid of further rebellion. Investigators punish any they suspect. Even innocent people become victims. Lord Mordant is fined £6,666 and dies in Fleet debtors’ prison in 1609, while the Earl of Northumberland is fined the colossal sum of £30,000 and imprisoned at the king’s leisure only to be freed in 1621.

However these fears prove unfounded. Even King James recognises that it was just a conspiracy by a few wayward people. Never the less when Parliament meet in 1606 it introduces more laws. Another Oath of Allegiance is introduced and from January 21st 1606, a Bill for an annual public thanksgiving is brought before Parliament. Remarkably it remains in force until 1859 by which time anti-Catholicism has markedly dissipated.


More stories like this can be found in my Book 'Secret English Histories' here

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Secret-English-History-Raucous-escapades/dp/1072886669







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